WASHINGTON — An ominous pulsating dark orb with unknown powers is set to replace Kevin McCarthy as the Speaker of the House following a historic…
ROCHESTER, N.Y. — 43-year-old Van Halen fan Jared “Keyz” Keaton fulfilled his lifelong dream of playing the “Jump” synth intro at every Guitar Center location…
RICHMOND, Va. — Self-proclaimed alpha male Tom Harrington was left fighting for his life in the ICU after accidentally touching an unopened box of tampons,…
ORLANDO, Fla. — Local mother Doreen Ludip was shocked and outraged to discover a copy of the “Diary of Anne Frank,” which documents the Nazi…
PHILADELPHIA — The reportedly “chill” establishment known as the 9th Street Tavern in the Bella Vista neighborhood of Center City is now allowing patrons to…
BOSTON — Recently sober man, Brad McBride, is consuming non-alcoholic beers with a ruthlessness comparable to the way he used to consume alcoholic beers, worried…
COWARD, S.C. — Touring goth band Need Help Again With Ghoul, reportedly changed their entire world perspective of gloomy unenthusiasm after enjoying some fun in…
BUFFALO, N.Y. — Local community members attending a nearby funeral reported the mood of the event was a bit sour thanks to the presence of…
WASHINGTON— Mitch McConnell revealed that he was “relieved” to learn that the specter of death he kept seeing slowly rambling behind him on Capitol Hill…
SARATOGA SPRINGS, N.Y — Local cigar smoker Charles Morley and his group of male friends who look and act exactly like him announced their raison…
SEATTLE — Starbucks officials announced that the chain will now sell straight-up garbage for customers to throw in the fucking roads of their neighborhoods in…
GIBBON, Neb. — Perennial local opening act Algae Pile is raking in cash after making the decision to sell the headliners’ merch at their table…
Driving someone to the airport is as old as the miracle of flight itself, and you need to be a good judge of character before…
NUTLEY, N.J. — Local retired baby boomer Grant Walters confirmed that the “something to cry about” threat he used to scare his children decades ago…
BURLINGTON, Vt. — A participant of an impromptu road trip sing-along confidently began the chorus to a popular song a bit too early and reportedly…