TEL AVIV — IDF soldiers and fellow genocidal maniacs alike were excited to witness Israel’s version of Punxsutawney Phil seeing his shadow Monday morning, which…
KANSAS CITY, Mo. — Local emotional support dog Gus is reportedly “at his limit” and has sought his own emotional support from local Yorkipoo, Lil…
SEATTLE — Local anarchist Tommy Greggors staunchly declined to answer a survey about his experience at OfficeMax, confirmed sources. “I simply refuse to let the…
WASHINGTON — 19-year-old Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) agent Braden Wakefield found himself running short on reasons for why he can’t hang out with his…
LOS ANGELES — Notorious rapper Kanye West apologized for his past controversial remarks about former President George W. Bush, confirmed sources. “I said some things…
NEW HAVEN, Conn. — Local punk Pattie “Two Dollar” O’Malley set up a foundation dedicated to researching and curing “coke dick,” a condition that renders…
NEW YORK — A new independent report revealed that the average veterinarian has an eight-hour wait list due to the sheer volume of hunky outlaws…
WASHINGTON — Democratic leadership announced their plans to play the 2013 Katy Perry song “Roar” very loud in response to the aggressive start of President…
BLUE ISLAND, Ill. — 41-year-old Jacob Francois claimed responsibility for taking over a local bar’s jukebox using only his phone, an act he says was…
BOSTON — Freshman photography student Elias Carbone reportedly crossed four lanes of heavy traffic to ask you if you’ve ever modeled before and if you’d…
FULLERTON, Calif. — New dad and aspiring musician Gerry Malnati was forced to decide whether to delete pictures from previous vacations and gatherings with family…
SAN JOSE, Calif. — Local man Timothy Kroeger reportedly lost his shit again despite bragging about how little sleep he needs on a nightly basis,…
LOS ANGELES — The White House Correspondents’ Association surprised potential guests by announcing Jeff Dunham’s most racist puppet, Bubba J, will host their annual dinner…
WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump attempted to justify his policy of mass deportations by claiming illegal immigrants are taking up the majority of all guest…
NEW YORK — Local crustie Joel McCaffrey was seen excitedly planning a romantic Valentine’s Day evening for his partner by leaving a trail of loose…