WASHINGTON — The collection of white dorks that make up Elon Musk’s entourage asked for a significant raise if they are expected to publicly defend…
WASHINGTON — Famed Harry Potter villain Lord Voldemort was spotted at Donald Trump’s Presidential Inauguration, hiding under First Lady Melania Trump’s hat, multiple sources confirmed.…
WASHINGTON — White House Deputy Chief of Staff Stephen Miller capped off his day by rewatching the death of horse Artax in beloved 1984 children’s…
BENTONVILLE, Ark. — Local naive man Collin Blakeman blissfully contributed savings to his 401(k) despite the fact there is no future in which he will…
NEW YORK — Ahmir K. Thompson, better known as Questlove from the band The Roots, recently questioned what kind of horrible person he was in…
STARBASE, Texas — A contractor working on Elon Musk’s new Texas mega-mansion revealed that every book on the billionaire’s shelf was just a false lever…
Earlier this week, iconic American filmmaker David Lynch died, leaving behind an astonishingly brilliant and bizarre body of work that blends violence, romance, mystery, surrealism,…
WASHINGTON — Vice President J.D. Vance suddenly woke up from a recurring nightmare in which a minimum wage employee wasn’t in extreme medical debt due…
SHIPPENSBURG, Penn. — Local widow Claire Donnelly wouldn’t shut the hell up about her former spouse who tragically passed away recently, confirmed sources who have…
WASHINGTON — Popular ‘70s gay icons Village People announced they would be performing at multiple Trump inauguration events and will feature a new lineup made…
GAZA CITY, Palestine — Israeli Defense Force First Sergeant Yosef Shochet admitted that he is suffering from terrible nightmares portraying happy, active children playing in…
MOSES LAKE, Wash. — Your parents announced that your childhood trauma will now be officially rebranded as “how things were done in those days,” confirmed…
WEST HARTFORD, Conn. — Disturbed onlookers rolled their eyes as local bozo Sturgill Lacey clearly envisioned himself in an opening film’s montage due to the…
NEW YORK — The New York City Police Department unveiled a new AI surveillance program that promised to help them arrest the wrong guy 70%…
PHILADELPHIA — Local punk scene veteran Chuck Rubenfeld, known for spending the better part of the ’90s passing out on floors across the tri-state area,…