VATICAN CITY — Teenage tourists, Ronny Brewster, 17, and his best friend James “Cobra” Mooreston, 16, inadvertently elected a new Pope after getting caught vaping…
WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump issued a mandate that all federal employees must cease obtaining vaccinations and instead schedule weekly Botox injections, confirmed sources. “We…
VATICAN CITY – The Holy See Press Office announced that Pope Francis chose the calming embrace of death rather than experience any additional time spent…
HOUSTON — A local 39-year-old Rockets fan’s entire financial future is dependent on hitting a promotional half-court shot worth $100,000, said nearby sources. “I don’t…
NEW YORK — Local punk rocker and present-day messiah, Lenny “Resin” Jackson stunned the masses crashing at his squat by using his divine abilities to…
PORTLAND, Ore. — A group of local potheads went door to door singing stoner metal carols to celebrate 4/20, confirmed sources peering outside their blinds.…
OCEAN TOWNSHIP, N.J. — Tilly, a haunted Victorian era doll recently donated to a local Goodwill, is on the cusp of tormenting the souls of…
BOSTON, Mass. — Scientists confirmed that Democrat lawmakers’ spines are by far the softest material on the planet, and quite possibly in the known universe,…
WASHINGTON — President Trump announced the creation of the new Federal Institute for Regulating Ethnonormality (FIRE) agency that would complement ICE by importing white foreigners…
TACOMA, Wash. — Local dude Grant Brentfield wouldn’t shut the hell up about being brutally attacked with a knife just a few moments ago, confirmed…
BELLINGHAM, Wash. — Local vegan Chuck Miller opened up about his struggle to eat vegetables, particularly carrots, after he’s given them names and personalities, irreverent…
BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Local couple Jordan Meyers and Alexis Carter reportedly left their unique collection of used sex toys ignored in their kitchen sink, treating…
CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — A recent Harvard report on the overall health of Americans showed that the residual moisture left behind by lettuce and tomatoes after…
DALLAS — Scientists at the Centers for Disease Control raised warning flags about a new strain of Hulkamania found in livestock that, if left untreated,…
GAINESVILLE, Fla. — Local rap-rock band Antagonyze released their latest single “Cop Kisser” which they say should act as a blueprint on how to appreciate…