DEERFIELD, Ill. – Walgreens announced today that it would be closing 1,200 retail stores after unsuccessfully implementing a policy of locking entire facades of their…
CEDAR RAPIDS, Iowa — Local man Vincent Metcalf quit his longtime dream of becoming a con artist to become a con accountant, confirmed sources who…
BOCA CHICA, Texas — Local businessman and investor Elon Musk presented his clear vision of the future where humanity thought of him as the worst…
NEW ORLEANS — A weekly Alcoholics Anonymous Meeting was recently attended by all three former members of the band Cyanide Churro, who individually arrived hoping…
OMAHA, Neb. — HR generalist Annie Washington claims she already knows who within the company is going to be fired for donning blackface this Halloween…
LOS ANGELES — Garment company JNCO says renewed interest in their extra-wide legged jeans could result in a devastating shortage of denim, wallet-chain wearing sources…
Remember the good ol’ days of the early 2000s, when we were blissfully ignorant of social media and the internet was barely out of its…
ALLENTOWN, Pa. — Local man Dan McKellan was dealt a major personal finance blow after being completely blindsided by his recurring phone bill, sources close…
There are few television shows among millennials that resonate as much as “The Simpsons,” and we all have somebody in our lives who spent their…
ALEXANDRIA, Va. — Experts warned that if re-elected, former President Trump’s stringent border policies could prevent thousands of Canadian girlfriends from making it to American…
LOS ANGELES — A K9 unit dog was commended during training today after he successfully shut his body cam off before tearing his squeaky toy…
SAN JOSE, Calif. — Breaking university-level research revealed the unpleasant truth that the sought-after record you’ve been looking for your whole life was in the…
The original “Twilight Zone” series is a gold mine of memorably traumatic plot twists, thirty-year-old men who look like sixty-year-old men, and some of the…
HARRISONBURG, Va. — City officials installed an anti-homeless bench this week that will catapult the sitter into the sky if they so much as dare…
BANGOR, Maine. — Local community organizers recently announced the formation of a support group for music lovers who cannot stop listening to the same hour-long…