Press "Enter" to skip to content

Other Pair of Jeans Now Also Ripped at the Crotch

MEDINA, Minn. – Julio Anderson tore a substantial hole in the crotch of his jeans early Thursday evening while skateboarding at a local park, amused witnesses confirmed.

“Normally, I wouldn’t care. You just hope you aren’t wearing embarrassing underwear and keep skating,” said the 24-year-old Anderson. “But I had a date later, and I just couldn’t show up with my junk hanging out. I don’t want to look like some loser.”

Unfortunately, Anderson initially believed he had a second pair of pants at home ready and waiting for him.

“Every guy usually has another pair of pants deep in their closet that should be passable,” Anderson admitted. “But when I came home to change, I realized I was already wearing my backup pair of pants — I forgot I ripped my first pair while running through Midway airport last Thanksgiving. My mom got me a sewing kit to fix them, but I never did anything with it.”

Faced with no time, no money and no ability to sew, Anderson sought fresh help from his parents.

“I admit I put on some weight these past few years, but I knew I had a pair of pants close to his size somewhere,” said Gary Anderson, Julio’s father. “I gave him my most trusted pair of khakis — these babies have those real deep pleats the kids like. I hope he wears them with pride: those khakis got me my first raise at Knudson’s Auto. Not a better pair in the world.”

At Peg’s Countryside Cafe, Anderson, wearing the ill fitting pants, was ultimately able to meet his date.

“We had burgers and milkshakes… mine was chocolate, hers was strawberry, of course. She talked — a lot — but it was all funny, so it’s okay. Then we split the bill, which is fine, and then she left,” Anderson recalled. “I think it went well.”

Anderson’s date Maggie Kendricks later admitted, however, that while she enjoyed herself overall, she was a little put off by his style choice.

“He looked like he just got off work at Dunkin’ Donuts,” said Anderson. “But that didn’t bother me nearly as much as his mother sitting in the booth behind us. She was his ride home.”

Want to support Hard Times? Buy a shirt. We’ll use the money to write more articles.