BOSTON — Local nitrous dealer James “Lawnboy” Carpenter was found dead at the bottom of Mystic Lake wearing only a pair of cement Birkenstocks, sources close to the waterlogged rat confirmed.
“Everyone thinks Lawnboy got whacked because he snitched. Not true. It’s because he fucking stank,” a nitrous mafia capo who demanded to remain anonymous said. “This wook smelled so foul, the feds followed his stench all the way from The Assembly of the Auras Festival back to our tank refilling facility. Lawnboy’s poor hygiene and even shittier taste in music became too much of a liability, so we strapped a pair of concrete Birks to his grubby little feet and tossed him in the drink. Probably the first bath this hippie’s had in ages. Listen kids, if you want to sling nang for the noz mob, you best watch your ass, and especially wash it.”
Detective Pam Bagg from the Boston Police Marine Unit described the unexpected challenges around recovering Carpenter’s body.
“Visibilty was zero due to the lake being covered in a thick scum of patchouli oil,” Bagg said. “If it wasn’t for Lawnboy’s backpack full of glowsticks, we would have never spotted him. But the real problems occurred upon descent. Our dive team became entangled in what we first thought were reeds but were actually whiteboy dreads, which strangled two of our divers to death before we finally reached Lawnboy, who was still smiling, presumably from one final hit of hippy crack. After jackhammering away at his cement mandals, Lawnboy’s frail, unathletic body floated to the surface easily, as did all the marine life his stench caused to perish.”
Carpenter’s girlfriend Chantal Reese grieves the loss of her primary N20 supplier and soulmate.
“I’m heartbroken,” Reese sobbed above the hiss of her nitrous tank. “Lawnboy was a dope boyfriend and even doper dope dealer. He had, like, this crazy ability to bring everyone together with his fatty whippets but then repel them with his rank-ass body odor just so we could be alone together. So romantic. Now every time I see a balloon I’m reminded of Lawnboy, and then I suck on it and forget who he is, why I’m sad, and how I pissed myself.”
At press time, the same nitrous mafia responsible for offing Carpenter was seen selling commemorative Lawnboy balloons beside his casket at the funeral.
