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New Food Sensitivity Test Promises to Confirm Whatever You Wanted to Be Sensitive To

SAN JOSE, Calif. — Local woman Hannah Bowell reportedly found an online food sensitivity test that confirmed all her self-diagnosed food allergies, exhausted sources confirmed.

“For years, I’ve been telling friends that I struggle with things like gluten, dairy, almonds, ginger, you name it. They would roll their eyes, not believing that I have an exceptionally fine-tuned relationship with my body,” said Bowell. “But ever since I found VeriWell, I can confidently say that I was right all along about my reactivity to kelp, cooked ham, raw cucumber, sea salt, and anything remotely fermented. Servers will finally have to show some respect when I dramatically modify my order.”

Ethan Starch, CEO of VeriWell, is thrilled that happy customers like Bowell are finding the validation they’re looking for.

“When I started this company, I wanted to give people the confidence to say, ‘I know my body.’ We were founded to confirm what you already know in your heart: that you have a .213 reactivity level to saffron,” said Starch as he dropped a fat stack into his bill counter. “That’s why for the low price of $279.99, we’ll send you our cutting-edge at-home testing kit. You just check off a list of what you know you’re sensitive to, bleed into our patented vial, and send it back to our state-of-the-art lab. In two weeks or less, you’ll get a letter in the mail confirming you were right. Oh, and we include a very nice certificate!”

Kaylie Hoffman, a local nutritionist, expressed her concern and skepticism regarding these products.

“I can’t deal with one more client showing me a website with a stock photo of a man in a lab coat and then rejecting the nutrition plan I’ve put together for them. It feels like they’re all trying to beat some restrictive diet high score at this point,” said Hoffman. “I looked this all up, and I’m pretty sure this is just Munchausen’s syndrome. But usually, people go for something more sympathetic like cancer. I have a slightly harder time finding compassion for someone who gets bloated after eating an entire container of Trader Joe’s sesame sticks. I doubt that’s an allergic response.”

At press time, Starch was busy mailing letters for his other company, a dog DNA service that charges $200 to ship you a poster revealing your dog is 75% American Staffordshire Terrier.