WASHINGTON — The servers for a new Nazi dating app called Thousand-Year Romance crashed during a recent convention for officers and new recruits late last night, multiple frustrated sources confirmed.
“I signed up for this app because I want to meet a woman with blonde hair, blue eyes, and a nice pure bloodline. But the dang thing hasn’t loaded in hours. I’m so mad I might just go put on my uniform and beat the crap out of a street food vendor,” said new ICE recruit Donny Langston. “Here I am trying to keep America safe from migrant workers who want to cross the border and work on our farms, but I can’t get a moment of relaxation. And yeah, I’ve tried other dating apps, but as soon as someone sees my ICE vest they call me a ‘Worthless piece of dog shit’ and block me. It’s sad really. They judge me because of my job, but they really have no idea who I am. I’m a guy who loves history, especially German history from about 1933-1945.”
The app’s lead developer, Perry Armstrong, says they are working to resolve the problem as soon as possible.
“When we started this app we never thought there would be such a heavy concentration of white supremacist users in one area, but then ICE got this huge budget increase. Our app was actually mentioned in their onboarding pamphlet and we saw our daily users increase exponentially. Having all of them in Washington has overwhelmed our system and we are working around the clock to get things back up and running,” said Armstrong. “Unfortunately, we actually don’t have any women on the app right now. We are actually relying on a lot of AI avatars pretending to be real humans and it seems to be working. I don’t think these guys have much experience talking to actual women, so it’s easy to trick them.”
Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem says she plans on signing up for the app and will let one lucky recruit take her on a date.
“I love dating, my adoring husband Bryon loves it too. He has a comfortable chair that he sits in whenever I bring a date home and he just watches from the corner. This app is a real game-changer. It’s the only app out there that matches you by which ethnicities you hate and refuse to acknowledge as human, and I think that’s a huge step forward in online dating,” said Noem while locking her husband in a dog cage. “I’m actually going to Congress next week to ask for more money so we can offer salaries to women who are willing to marry our fine agents.”
Department of Homeland Security officials are also working on a new AI chatbot that will pretend to be an ICE agent’s mother or father and periodically text “I’m proud of you” to recruits.