HIALEAH, Fla. — Local Netflix user Julia Owen was left contemplating her sense of self, purpose, and place in the world after Netflix suggested she might enjoy watching “Lilo and Stitch,” “Martyrs,” and a documentary on Serena Williams, among other bizarre titles, sources close to the woman confirmed.
“You think you know who you are and then, bam!” said Owen, “The streaming service you once knew and trusted implies you’re the type of deviant who wants to see a double feature showing ‘Drumline’ followed by a four hour Belgian minimalist film depicting a clinically depressed woman performing household chores. I know there are strategies for dealing with identity issues, but no amount of journaling in the world is going to make me forget that Netflix thought I would enjoy ‘Young Sheldon.’”
The controversial “We think you may like” section has terrorized Owen’s already shaky sense of self for years, and recently, even started negatively impacting her dating life.
“I asked her out because I thought she was cute and I noticed we both had the same coffee order,” said Joe Rhyne, who briefly dated Owen. “It was going well until she invited me over and asked me to put something on the TV while she was in the bathroom. I’m not usually a nosy guy, but when I saw ‘Cannibal Holocaust’ side by side with ‘Toy Story 2’ on her suggested movies, I decided it was best to make up an excuse to leave before I ended up on a missing persons list.”
Owen has explained to friends and family that this strange collection of movies is simply a software glitch; however, experts maintain that no such problem exists.
“People don’t want to see themselves as they truly are,” said Michael Lineberry, a software engineer for Netflix. “I can’t tell you how many complaints I receive from people regarding our ‘top picks for you’ feature. Sometimes I email them back personally and remind them that the easiest way to know who you are is to know who you are not, and unfortunately, you are not the type of person who dislikes ‘Entourage.’ That can be a hard pill for anyone to swallow.”
Owen was seen trading in all her streaming services for basic cable after Hulu suggested she “couldn’t get enough” of classic teen musicals.