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Mother-in-Law Files Quarterly Report of Celebrities Who Have Gained Weight

GREELY, Colo. — Local mother-in-law Angela Vaughn is going to great lengths to keep her sons’ and daughters’ spouses informed about celebrities who have recently gained weight, going so far as to publish a quarterly report.

“Jennifer Hudson’s gained fourteen pounds since ‘Dreamgirls.’ And she wasn’t exactly svelte at that point, either. Matt Damon? Matt Damon weighs two hundred fifteen pounds. That’s a lot of meat on the hoof. And oh, what’s-her-name, from ‘The Voice’…Kelly Clarkson. Have you seen Kelly Clarkson?” Vaughn said, before dropping the bomb that Clarkson still hasn’t, in her book, “lost her baby weight.” “Who else? Oh, yeah, looks like Jonah Hill is up again. Shocking.”

Vaughn’s son-in-law, Ray Wambold, expressed wonder at Vaughn’s ability to remain so in tune with the private patterns of weight fluctuation of total strangers.

“Unfortunately, with kids and a fulltime job, I don’t have much time to watch TMZ, Access Hollywood, or even the Daytime Emmys,” said Wambold, who works IT at University of Northern Colorado. “But Angela really circles me back to what’s important. The other day she asked if I’d seen Renee Zellweger lately. I was embarrassed to say I hadn’t. In fact, the name barely rang a bell. But then Angela gave me a little heads up: it appears — and you didn’t hear this from me — that Zellweger may have put on a few pounds since January.”

Los Angeles endocrinologist Marvin Brown confirmed many of Vaughn’s speculations and even uses her report as a professional resource.

“Whenever I have a question about a celebrity who I think might be packing it on, I cross-reference with the one and only Angela Vaughn. Like the other day I had Matthew McConaughey in. I said, ‘Matthew, have you been letting yourself go?’ When he said no, I slid open a drawer and brandished Angela’s report. He confessed immediately,” said Brown, who works with dozens of Hollywood A-listers. “Often she’ll give me the number of pounds she thinks someone’s gained since their last visit, and I just write that down on the official chart. Like right here I have Matthew Perry at two seventy-eight point two. That’s Angela for you.”

At press time, Vaughn reported that Wambold, at 43, has been looking a little fleshy lately, but that Halle Berry still looks good at 56.