WINONA, Minn. — On a recent holiday pop-in to your apartment Thursday, your mom Nancy insisted you had to see this video as she began searching for it on her phone, incredibly frustrated sources reported.
“It’s the cutest thing, oh my God, I can’t even. I won’t say what happens. But it’s two animals. Different animals. And they’re just— I saw it this morning. I died,” said your mom before dumping her tote bag and crashing down on your couch, nearly maiming your newborn kitten Vinny. “Wait. What’s this? Oh, hell. ‘Enter a password’? What’s my password? I don’t have an account. Oh. I’m in the wrong thingy. ‘Do I want to install an update?’ Override. Override. Okay. Here we go. You’re gonna love this. Wait. Where’d it go?”
Ten minutes in, you were still leaning awkwardly over the couch ready to view what she called “probably the greatest thing since you were born.”
“She hadn’t said hello to Gina, my girlfriend, or Anthony, our one-year-old. She just kept saying, ‘You need to see this.’ I waited it out, watching her type it in, almost finding it, thinking this was it, concluding it wasn’t, remembering this morning when she first saw it, describing how great it was, and slowly revealing how little she remembered,” said you, 28. “Ultimately, I caught her wondering if she was confusing it with something she’d tried to send my brother, a dream she’d had, her 55th birthday, or something that happened as a kid. But mostly it was just silence with her scrolling through Facebook and intermittently muttering, ‘Where did it go? ”
Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg admitted that this exasperating experience was by design.
“Nancy is well known around the Facebook campus. She’s our ideal client because she follows the feed sequence so meticulously: the more she can’t find something, the more she scrolls, the more she opens, the more she buys,” said the controlling shareholder. “The reason she can’t find the video—it’s a squirrel feeding a baby rhino, by the way—is because the algorithm blocks posts she’s already seen in favor of pushing new content. The ad revenue Nancy generates alone has paid our light bill since 2019. Thank you, Nancy.”
At press time, your mom was trying to capture baby Anthony’s first steps on video, but she couldn’t get the camera to “turn around.”