KANSAS CITY, Mo.— Local man Zane Starzyk is beside himself with stress and frustration after taking a mental health day that completely fucked up the rest of his week, sources annoyed by his incessant bitching confirmed.
“I just fucking knew this was going to happen,” said a visibly shaking Starzyk as he tried to fold his laundry, clean out his car, and catch up on some work on his laptop while debating the possibility of a much needed grocery run. “I decided to give myself a break and take Monday off, binge on some Netflix, have a couple beers, slack off on my chores, and treat myself to some takeout, ya know? But now I have one less day to do the same amount of shit at the office, and my weekend is gonna be totally fucked.”
Hanna Stein, Starzyk’s supervisor at a data processing center, suggests that her subordinate either take the rest of the week off, or stop taking personal days all together.
“Zane does this same exact thing every couple of months,” said Stein. “Our team has a shared workload, and everybody is encouraged to take some time off when they can. The difference between Zane and the rest of our team is that he barges into the office the next day complaining about how unforgiving the endless forward march of time is, brings his pillow from home so he has something to scream into at his desk, and calls everybody else a bunch of ‘scum-fucking shit suckers’ under his breath when they take a day off of their own.”
Life Coach Gavin Brenner asserts that employees like Starzyk need to consider alternate ways of managing their work-life balance.
“The reality of the situation is that if you’re always putting a little bit of work in on a personal or professional level, then you’ll never be overburdened with having to do a lot. What Zane should be doing is compressing his time by getting his errands done while he’s still on the clock. Hell, he could probably automate two-thirds of his workload without anybody noticing. If he truly wants to disassociate, he shouldn’t wait and set aside a specific day to do so, but rather just do it every day like everybody else does.”
At press time, Starzyk was spotted at Barnes & Noble, purchasing a dozen self-help books that he’ll never read.