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Measles and Polio Reunite to Tour America

PORTLAND, Ore. — Legendary childhood diseases Measles and Polio will co-headline an upcoming U.S. tour, thanks entirely to the countless parents who absolutely refuse to vaccinate their young children, the CDC confirmed today in a press release.

“We simply couldn’t wait to get them back on the road together,” said Clarence Tebb, the great-great-grandson of William Tebb, the infamously heedless madman who founded the Anti-Vaccination Society of America. “The children who witness this historic reunion will be literally paralyzed with emotion!”

Negligent parents across the United States are delighted to be able to give their children the crippling and entirely preventable experience of a lifetime.

“I never saw either one when I was a child, because my parents were responsible and reasonable… so it’s important that my three rambunctious sons discover for themselves what life was like in an early 20th-century European city with poor sanitation,” said Ginger MacCauley, a white, bored, and upper-middle class stay-at-home mom from Scottsdale, Ariz. “I heard whooping cough might join them for a couple of dates in California, and you bet your ass we’ll be making the drive if it’s true.”

Unfortunately, not everyone is as thrilled by the news of the “Deadly Duo” taking their hallmark blend of gastrointestinal disturbances and brain inflammation back on the open road.

“This is easily the most avoidable and unwelcomed transmission of the modern era,” said critic and physician Dr. Caleb Hubbs, who has spent years in the Central African Republic selflessly protecting children against diseases such as these. “I am absolutely incredulous as to why anyone would willfully expose their loved ones to such monstrous contagions.”

“As a medical professional and a father, I beg you: do not take your children to see Measles and Polio,” he added as tears formed in his eyes. “I don’t care how cool the limited edition shirts they’re selling are. I can’t believe I have to say this.”

At press time, the legendary diseases were enjoying a three-month break at St. Francis Medical Center in Colorado Springs, where 27 attendees under the age of nine have been confirmed dead.

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