WASHINGTON — Florida Senator Marco Rubio is being forced to take two jobs to keep kids going hungry, confirmed sources.
“I used to think this was the land of opportunity, where I could do anything I set my mind to. When I was a Little Marco, I even thought I could be president!” lamented a bedraggled Rubio, squeezing in a press conference in between his shifts as Secretary of State and National Security Advisor. “Now look at me. I work day and night like a dog and I still have to apply to end welfare. I knew I was making the nine-to-five job unlivable for everyday Americans; I just didn’t think making things worse for everyone would make them worse for me, too. So much for the American dream.”
Nick Jensen, Rubio’s longtime aide, provided further context for the Secretary’s work ethic.
“Marco knows this is a nation of immigrants, and he wants to take out as many of them as humanly possible,” said Jensen. “His parents came to this country, poor Cuban immigrants, trying to make a better life for themselves. What kind of son would he be if he didn’t wipe out the competition? If it takes two jobs to make your dreams come true, that’s what you do. It’s a tough economy, after all, and you can thank Secretary Rubio for that.”
Experts in child hunger warn that Rubio’s cuts to USAID and proposed limits to SNAP will limit food access both domestically and abroad.
“I’m so hungry,” explained known child Timmy Dickins. “Mr. Rubio says we’re not supposed to use our food stamps on soda or cookies, but Sesame Street taught me that cookies are what poor kids on the street are supposed to have. Mommy even says President Trump stopped making pennies because I kept trying to eat them. I miss when Joe Biden was president and the only thing we couldn’t eat was eggs.”
At press time, Rubio was seen browsing Indeed for a third job before knocking an ice cream cone out of the hands of an eight-year-old.
