ABINGTON, Mass. — Local man Mike Horrigan declared he was living an Orwellian nightmare after dropping all his expensive Apple products into a freshly used public toilet, confirmed sources who were trying not to laugh.
“Society has become a technological hellscape that the human brain hasn’t properly adapted to. We need to go back to a simpler time where people could use public restrooms and not lose nearly $2,000 worth of electronics into a clogged toilet,” said Horrigan while wrapping his hands in paper towels in preparation for reaching into the bowl. “I suppose it’s my fault at the end of the day. We’re programmed to want the newest and the best products. But the engineers in Cupertino never account for the fact some people like to wipe while standing up, so it’s very easy for their phone to fall out of their pocket, then when they turn around in a panic to see what the plopping noise was their Airpods fly out of their ears, also landing in the toilet, at the exact same time the clasp on your watch gets snagged on the toilet paper holder and your Apple Watch lands right on time of last night’s dinner. This is what Orwell was talking about, probably.”
Other people using the public bathroom sympathized with Horrigan.
“Who among us hasn’t dropped their phone in the toilet? You just gotta hope the water is clean when it happens, and then you don’t tell anyone about it. But from what I heard in there today, this man was not so lucky,” said Dan Cleary, who admits to only using stalls in the bathroom because of a shy bladder. “After his initial reaction I overheard him mumbling about how AI is the death of art, and how human creativity became a commodity that simply wasn’t profitable anymore. He made some interesting points, but I could see under the stall that he still hadn’t pulled his pants up so it was tough to take him seriously.”
Apple CEO Tim Cook assured consumers that problems like this won’t happen in the near future.
“We have heard your concerns. You are tired of fishing your phone out of a filthy highway rest stop bathroom toilet. We are working on a new line of products that can be directly implanted into your brain that will allow you to text, make calls, and play games all in the comfort of your own cerebrum,” said Cook. “This new device will also have a news feed directly tailored to your biases, so you will never be challenged by outside perspective again. And the best part? Once it’s implanted, it can never come out, so you don’t have to worry about it falling out of your eye socket and landing in a litter box or something.”
At press time, Horrigan accidentally dropped his laptop in the toilet while Googling the Apple Care replacement policy in regards to human feces.