CHICAGO — Local man Mason Townsend is in stable condition this morning after being bit by an aggressive crust punk and involuntarily sprouting a dreadlock, Northwestern Memorial medical staff confirmed
“Mason brought out the trash a couple weeks ago, and apparently, someone jumped out from behind the dumpster, bit him on the leg and scuttled away,” recalled Townsend’s girlfriend Katie McCall despondently. “It was so strange. That wound just would not heal… and then, he started changing. First it was that little dreadlock, but then he started hoarding safety pins and adopting ferrets. I told him he should get a tetanus shot — I guess this is what happens.”
Neighbors confirmed the apartment building, and the surrounding area, are infested with “crusties.”
“We live in a pretty nice neighborhood, but rent in this building is still way below everything else in the area,” said fellow tenant Doug Windsor. “And the landlord won’t do shit about [the crusties] — he’s afraid they’ll just come back even stronger and play Leftöver Crack songs on broken acoustic guitars all hours of the night.”
Reportedly, as Townsend suffered from a total lack of hygiene and social norms, losing all sense of financial responsibility was the biggest symptom something was amiss.
“The final straw was when he bought a rare, Extreme Noise Terror 7” with all of my savings,” said McCall, fighting back tears. “We don’t even have a record player! The worst part was that he traded it for a back patch — that he could have bought with actual money!”
Doctors at Northwestern Memorial confirmed Townsend’s diagnosis of Boxcar Syndrome.
“I knew exactly what was happening,” said pathologist Alexander Byrne. “I’ve seen every disease known to man — and several of the really cool ones the Secret Service are working on — but this was a special case. The last time I saw something like this, I didn’t take it as seriously as I should have… and, well, long story short, I’m the reason there was a Crass reunion.”
Townsend’s parents, noted property moguls and socialites Theodore and Jacqueline Townsend, have allegedly tried to hide their embarrassment by simply claiming their son has joined “one of those sex cults.”