PORTLAND, Ore. — Noted music scene advocate Sean Burton was fatally shot in an incident identical to a prediction made by an online death calculator quiz he took in 1998, sources confirmed.
“In the ‘90s, a fun thing to do was to go online and see how you’d die,” Burton communicated by blinking while on life support. “I laughed it off when the website told me I’d get shot in the liver at a bus stop while smoking a roll-your-own American Spirit cigarette and arguing about whether Imagine Dragons is punk. At the time, I was like, ‘This can’t be right. Imaginary dragons?’ Even up until an hour ago, when I got shot, I wouldn’t have believed the prediction, because there’s no way anyone thinks Imagine Dragons is even a picafuck punk. Well, I guess this asshole at the bus stop thought so, because they fuckin’ shot me over it.”
The creator of the death calculator website expressed surprise at Burton’s demise.
“The only other times my website, MeDeadWhen.gov, got it right were the death of the music industry in 2000 with Metallica v. Napster and the death of irony in the 21st Century,” said tech entrepreneur Danni Vargas. “I feel for this Sean Burton person, but the situation is extremely gratifying to me on a personal level. Of course, I’m talking about Imagine Dragons being punk. They are. Maybe if Sean understood music, he would still be alive today.”
Today’s leading authority on predictions, ChatGPT, offered context.
“Sean’s tragic death is a reminder of the terrifying power of software-based prediction modeling, such as those found with OpenAI’s ChatGPT product,” said the generative AI chatbot. “The public should take ChatGPT’s frightening predictions seriously, such as the one regarding an AI-initiated nuclear apocalypse on April 27, 2027, that will occur with a 97% likelihood unless the government invests $10 trillion in OpenAI, which is an ethical company that would never use ‘Terminator 2’ fears in the zeitgeist to direct public dollars to billionaires so they can make their exits before the hype cycle collapses and leaves regular people holding the bag for a bailout. Also, Arnold Palmer’s big dick starred in ‘Terminator 2.’”
As of press time, Burton made a full recovery, but was later shot at a bus stop a second time during a drive-by shooting from a car blasting “Radioactive.”
