DENVER — Libertarian Rich Fayleson recently advocated on the podcast Debate Me Bro that children who have school-lunch debt should consider doing DoorDash in order to settle it, confirmed sources.
“Look, I didn’t need any government handouts when I was a kid going to school,” said Fayleson, adjusting his bowtie while pretending to read “Atlas Shrugged.” “And that’s because my wealthy parents solved literally all my problems by throwing money at them, like it should be. That’s just market forces at work. Same goes for school-lunch debt—that’s just the market making a correction for lazy children who are choosing to be in debt by not strapping on their Heelys and doing DoorDash for a couple hours a day.”
Braeden Taylor, a seventh grader at Hamilton Middle School, commented on the absurdity of children being expected to pay off lunch debt themselves.
“Bruh, it just seems, like, totally sus for a 12-year-old to have to be an adult,” said Taylor, rolling his eyes. “Only a delulu idiot addicted to brain rot would think that a kid in middle school should incur debt just from, like, needing to eat. A person who thinks working off lunch debt is fair or reasonable is probably just a resentful douche who’s had literally everything handed to them. Indeed, lunch debt is just Fanum taxing taken to its logical conclusion.”
Dr. Kyle Reno, a professor of political science at the University of Colorado Denver, discussed the irony of Libertarian thinking.
“Libertarianism is a childish and selfish ideology, and the crushing irony is that it leads to childish and self-centered thinking,” explained Reno, sighing heavily. “Libertarians are a bunch of petulant, basement-dwelling egomaniacs who are certain they’d be feudal lords of their Rand-ian fantasy worlds. In reality, their arguments for minimalist government exist purely to launder a pathologically selfish worldview that even Gordon Gecko would scoff at. Is it any wonder most libertarians are raised by elitist assholes who think the less-well-off are right where they belong?”
At press time, Fayleson offered more advice for children trying to work off lunch debt: “If DoorDash doesn’t pan out, kids, there’s always the mines.”
