ARLINGTON, Texas — Vice President JD Vance was spotted sign twirling outside of a Tesla dealership today, attempting to convince onlookers to pull in for a test drive, confirmed sources who seemed less inclined to purchase one after witnessing his poor spinning prowess.
“Look, the liberal left will attempt to paint this as a humiliating degradation of power by a drugged up South African trying to seize control of the Federal government while also trying to juice his company’s stock. But here’s what the lying media won’t tell you: I’m proud to support a great American company like Tesla,” Vance asserted. “Oh man, it was so funny. Elon asked if I wanted to grab a beer. I of course said yes, and before I knew it, I was bound and gagged in the back of a Cybertruck. He’s always busting my balls like that. Then when we got to the dealership, he tossed me out, threw me a sign, and said ‘dance, monkey boy.’ Man, he’s so funny. You liberal snowflakes wouldn’t understand, but this is how real men joke around. Then the Cybertruck drove off by itself, fully plowing through a red light and several pedestrians.”
White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt provided full details of Vance’s new role.
“The official duties of the Vice President now include working seasonally at Tesla. Elon added it to the constitution this morning,” the press secretary announced. “Regarding the specific role, Mr. Musk thought sign twirling would suit JD because it is quote, ‘the only thing that beta sack of shit could possibly be good for.’ Also, The White House is thrilled to announce that The Vice President’s salary is being redirected into Roadster preorders.”
Kyle Bodie, Vance’s new boss and 20-year-old Tesla supervisor, doesn’t know if the Vice President has the right skillset to succeed at the position.
“Honestly, I’ve seen better sign twirling from high school students,” said Bodie. “The last guy could do all these sick flips and stuff. I told JD that. He tried one and fully ate shit on the pavement. He laughed it off and said he did it on purpose. I don’t see him going very far at the company. If this doesn’t work out, we’ll have to demote him to janitor or salesperson.”
At press time, Vance was seen attempting to wrangle his crying children into Cybertruck t-shirts.