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“It’s Harder To Make Friends in Your 40s,” Says Man Who Didn’t Have Much Luck in His 30s, 20s, or Teens Either

FLAGSTAFF, Ariz. — Local 43-year-old man Reggie Ferns believed it was harder to make friends in his 40s despite not having much luck in every prior decade as well, sources who aren’t close to the lonesome midlifer confirmed.

“Man, they weren’t fooling. Finding new friends in your 40s is hard! Especially when you didn’t even have high school friends, college friends, post-graduate friends, and adult kickball league friends,” Ferns sulked, riding a tandem bike alone. “And I’m really trying. When I hide in the corner at cookouts with my head buried in my phone, I’m clearly sending please-talk-to-me vibes. And apparently, it embarrasses my coworkers when I bring my home-brewed IPAs to happy hour, even though I made enough to share with everyone. Oh well. Until someone likes Reggie for Reggie, I’ll just continue to live life independently, on my own terms, my own time, with zero emotional or financial responsibility to anyone but myself. Bummer.”

Mother Donna Ferns sees things differently, claiming her son’s friendlessness hasn’t been a struggle at all.

“Age 4 or 40, not making friends always came easy to Reggie,” the mother of one said. “He’s a natural. Work. Church. P.F. Chang’s. Wherever Reggie goes, everyone can’t wait to have nothing to do with him. ‘Hey, where’s Reggie?’ is not a phrase that has ever been uttered regarding my son, unless it’s someone trying to avoid him. One time, Reggie threw this huge party. Wait. No. That was me. Crap. Where was I? Oh yeah. Did you know the only person who signed Reggie’s high school yearbook was Reggie? And when he makes eye contact he doesn’t blink? Or breathe? I could go on, but I’ve bragged enough about my boy!”

Tom Anderson, MySpace founder and the internet’s former BFF, says having a lot of friends is great, but not everything.

“Look, I had 240 million friends at one point,” Anderson said, permanently smiling with his head turned sideways. “You know how many weddings I attended? Buddies I moved? Godchildren I have? And cops I gave clean piss to for drug tests? I couldn’t keep up! And all I got in return was them asking why their Incubus song disappeared from my profile. Once I saw how friendless and free Reggie lived through his social posts, I sold MySpace, cashed in my 580 mil and ghosted every motherfucker on the interwebs. Smiley emoticon!”

At press time, Ferns was seen attempting to make friends with his cousin to no avail.