SEATTLE — Self-identified witch Kay Clark was “burned” in the comments under several of her recent Instagram posts in the past week, a visibly shaken source reported.
“It’s persecution, and it’s hurtful, and it’s honestly anti-woman,” Clark insisted. “I mean, witches have always been outsiders, so this just proves I’m not unlike the women in the Salem witch trials. And if they could see me today, they’d agree that my careful use of exactly 13 hashtags per post is continuing their legacy.”
Clark, who primarily uses Instagram for promoting her homemade bath salts along with her “ritualistic” selfies, said the comments ranged from pointing out the visible Urban Outfitters tag on her bundles of sage, to more extreme threats of having a local abuela cast an actual curse on her the next time she throws around the term “brujeria.”
“The local Satanic Temple chapter blocked me because I kept tagging them as my location even though I’ve never been to a meeting,” a tearful Clark admitted. “That kind of exclusion is exactly why I started making my own blend of empowering body cleansers… which you can buy for only $45 per 2 oz. jar. ”
Clark’s mother, Andrea Clark, is confident the witch lifestyle is just a fad her daughter will eventually outgrow.
“We raised her right,” Mrs. Clark declared. “She was baptised; she’s always been a good girl. And I’ve been getting a prayer circle together every week to ask the Lord to turn her away from this dark path. If that intervention has to come in the form of her being told to ‘get f-d’ — and I’m paraphrasing — by someone named ‘dark_vOId93,’ then so be it.”
“I didn’t think anything could be worse than the contouring tutorials phase she went through back in 2016, but this has me concerned,” Mrs. Clark added. “Hopefully, the floppy hat and circle glasses can be returned.”
At press time, the younger Clark was seen writing out a caption to her latest Instagram post, composed entirely of emojis and intended to banish “haters” from her profile.
“It’s a spell that only I can read,” she said proudly. “It’s the most powerful internet magic there is — especially when I use the black heart and the angry cat face.” Clark, an Aquarius, added, “Total #scorpiovibes.”
Photo by Patron supporter Belle De Nuit and photographer Haleh.