TUCSON, Ariz. — A local ICE agent’s wife Karen Wilkins is really hoping her own family gets torn apart, after years of watching her husband forcibly separate families at the border, confirmed sources.
“When Todd and I got married I could think of nothing but raising a family with him. But I must have been drinking crazy juice, because at this point I’d rather spend the rest of my life married to a serial killer. At least they have the decency to spend the majority of the time acting like their not a psycho, ICE agents wear it like a badge of honor,” Wilkins said, stuffing a suitcase with clothes while her husband was at work. “Todd comes home every night bragging about how he’s ‘upholding the law’ by tearing screaming kids away from their parents, so I figured—why not us? Maybe ICE can show up, drag me and the kids out in the middle of the night, and send us anywhere that’s not in a house with a man who calls deportations his ‘March Madness bracket.’”
Despite Wilkins’ enthusiasm, her husband was hesitant to endorse the idea.
“Look, it’s different when I do it at work. When I separate families at the border, it’s about national security. If ICE showed up and took my wife and kids away, that’d be, like, a total human rights violation,” Todd Wilkins explained, completely missing the fact that his wife was shoving passports into her purse. “Just because I come home smelling of children’s tears, anguish, and broken dreams doesn’t mean I can’t be a good father. I’m a good Christian, goddammit!”
Reports indicate that Mrs. Wilkins’ departure sparked little sympathy from ICE officials, who saw it as just another routine case.
“In the U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement, we believe family separation builds character,” said Janet Reynolds, Director of ICE Family Services, casually shredding asylum applications. “Whether it’s an immigrant family at the border or an agent’s wife realizing she married a sociopath, we see it as a win. This is simply the way things are meant to be. And where exactly is Mrs. Wilkins from? Looks like she’s only third-generation American. Hope she likes drinking toilet water—at one of our beautiful facilities, of course.”
At press time, Mrs. Wilkins successfully fled to Canada with her children, where she was reportedly enjoying universal healthcare, humane immigration policies, and the peace of knowing that her ex-husband was stuck in Arizona, alone with his own reflection.