HELL — Legendary professional wrestler, adulterer, and noted racist Hulk Hogan admitted he was confused as to why heaven seemed so much hotter than he imagined, confirmed demonic sources tasked with punishing the American icon for eternity.
“Woo brother let me tell you, it’s smoldering up here. I was expecting lots of fluffy clouds and some climate control when I died, but it’s just lots of molten lava, brimstone, and little demons trying to stick needles under my toenails, brother,” said Hogan seemingly unaware he was in Hell. “I thought I’d be reunited with a lot of the people I shared the ring with, but so far I’ve only seen Ultimate Warrior and he’s already annoying the hell out of me, brother. I asked him if this was really heaven, and he started laughing like a maniac, then ran around me in a circle for what seemed like hours. The biggest surprise is how many loose dogs with red glowing eyes keep biting me. Someone needs to get these things under control, brother.”
Saint Peter, the keeper of the Pearly Gates, explained that Hogan is exactly where he is meant to be.
“Look, religion gets a bad wrap, but we do actually have a code of conduct if you want to get into Heaven. It’s not rocket science, be a good person, do good things. Mr. Hogan has a history of racism, he made a sex tape with his supposed best friend’s wife, and he was an ego maniac that ruined careers,” said the saint. “He’s never getting through these gates as long as I’m in control here. And look, we have strict confidentiality rules, but we see everything you’ve ever done. And this guy was even worse behind the scenes when nobody was watching. But we’ve seen it, we’ve kept score. Enjoy Hell Terry.”
The Devil admitted he was excited to finally get to meet Hogan.
“I know I’ve been around since darkness was invented, but I feel like I grew up watching Hulk wrestle. I loved how he always put himself first and never let anyone share the spotlight, that’s my type of guy,” said Lucifer. “I didn’t love his all-American schtick telling kids to eat right and take vitamins, I wish he had told kids to do drugs and kill their parents. But he more than made up for that by becoming a huge Trump supporter. Helping usher in fascism is a surefire way to get you a prime spot in Hell. Torturing him for eternity is a literal dream come true.”
At press time, a clerical demon was seen putting the finishing touches on a cage with a plaque that says “Reserved For Vince McMahon.”