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Hot Topic Launches Back to Summer School Sale

MONTCLAIR, Calif. — Hot Topic announced the rollout of its biggest savings in store history with the inaugural Back to Summer School Sale, sources close to the countercultural mall chain confirmed.

“With essentially our entire customer base heading to summer school, I’m super excited for this sale,” 29-year-old Hot Topic manager Thom Bibb said while baby-birding his pet iguana. “Our array of Funko pops, fishnets, Slytherin backpacks and Kirby ball gags makes Hot Topic your summer school one-stop shop. Just show us your report card with straight Fs and get 30% off the entire store! And get this. Between managerial shifts, I will also be attending summer school. So when I’m not making money for the store, I’ll be saving it on items that in no way help me academically. It’s like getting high off your own supply — high grades, that is! And even if I don’t graduate, I can still get promoted.”

Super senior Alice Reynolds rejects the summer school stigma and applauds Hot Topics’s appreciation of underachievement.

“Everyone thinks summer schoolers are dumb and lazy,” Reynolds said, rolling a clove. “But honestly, it’s way easier to get an A these days than it is to flunk, with access to free laptops, high-speed internet, AI, extra credit, Adderall, and teachers who are scared shitless of sue-happy parents. But getting a negative test score on a pass-fail exam? I fucking worked for that. Hot Topic understands, which is why they’re rewarding low grades with even lower prices. I mean, I’ll just keep stealing from the store like usual. But A for effort, Hot Topic!”

Shepherd Minor, an economic studies fellow with The Brookings Institution, worries these immediate savings have ruinous long-term financial consequences.

“Sorry to be a boner-killer,” Minor said, “But while this sale is great for business it’s terrible for the economy. The deals are so juicy, students en masse are intentionally failing just to get a few bucks off Pipsticks, thus sparking the great dumbification of our youth, which will lead to a labor pool overcrowded with incompetents, who will ultimately cause the collapse of capitalism. But on the other hand, fuck all that noise. Because you’d be even stupider to not take advantage of these sick deals on some dopeass Papa Roach merch!”

At press time, mall neighbors Cinnabon jumped on the sale bandwagon, offering free cinnamon rolls to anyone diagnosed with type 2 diabetes.