MANZANITA, Ore. — Local couple Jon and Kelsey Hangman recently became the parents of a child who somehow was born without any of their combined 77 tattoos, astounded sources confirmed.
“This comes as a total shock,” emphasized the first-time mother. “We really thought little Garrett would have ended up with some of the family tats. You know, maybe his father’s ‘HARD LIFE’ knuckle tattoos, the black four-leaf clover on my ankle, or any of our shared tribal artwork. At least he didn’t get his dad’s Mandarin character that he thought meant ‘Life Force,’ but actually means ‘Industrial Sanction.’ And get this, he didn’t even come out with any nose piercings either. My baby is a freak of nature.”
The child’s maternal grandmother, Harriet Worthington, is in utter relief that he was born with zero ink markings.
“Thank God he doesn’t have any of those ridiculous life decisions! At least now little Garrett will be employable,” said the 68-year-old as she opened up a document named “LAST WILL & TESTAMENT” on Microsoft Word. “I was dismayed when my little girl became one of those tattooed freaks, and then married one. I hope that Garrett will be surrounded by good influences and reject any satanic teachings from his father. Dearie me, I hope Kelsey didn’t erase that Bible verse tattoo I pressured her to add!”
Tattoo expert and historian Ned “The Needle” Wishton has observed a gradual change regarding cultural acceptance of body art, especially when it comes to the beliefs of new parents.
“For decades, it was seen as a good thing that genetics did not continue anything that had been displayed on an ancestor,” Wishton noted. “In this day and age, though — when you’ve got every other person with a little initial, heart, or flaming skull smoking a cigarette next to a crown with a latin inscription translating to ‘GOD RULES ALL’ — tattoos are a vital part of the human body. So it makes sense that humans would evolve to birth tattooed children. But it would kind of suck if your daughter had a tramp stamp at birth.”
At press time, the doctor who delivered the baby revealed that she’d only seen one instance of the opposite phenomenon, whereas an infant was born with a full sleeve to two tattoo-less librarians.