CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — President Donald Trump’s decision to terminate all of the federal government’s remaining contracts with Harvard University resulted in genius janitors having to solve equations written on blackboards that they’ve brought from home, sources report.
“It used to be that I’d come across these equations in the hallways as I’m mopping the floor outside classrooms,” genius janitor Bill Dunning told reporters. “Now I’m forced to buy my own chalkboard and bring it to work in the hopes that a professor will notice my mathematical prowess. Doing it this way just doesn’t have the same flair, and I look like I’m trying too hard to get noticed. These contract cuts couldn’t have come at a worse time, either, as I can’t quite keep from getting in trouble, and it would really help if I had a professor who could arrange to keep me out of jail in return for me studying under him.”
Trump did not appear to commiserate with Dunning’s plight.
“Harvard has been taken over by the Radical Left, and it’s time they paid the price for it,” Trump said. “They’re an absolute joke of an organization with their woke, anti-American values. If these janitors are so smart, they’re more than welcome to transfer to schools like Liberty University or Bob Jones University, those are real schools, they asked me to teach business there. The Dean came up to me, big fat guy, really fat. Fatter than you would think, I told him he needs to lose weight, he told me he needs me to teach his students how to do deals. I told him I was busy, he keeps calling. At any rate, what good has ever come from advancements in science and mathematics? My administration’s cuts to these fields are the greatest accomplishments in our nation’s history, people are already calling me the ‘Abe Lincoln of education.’ Can you believe that? And there’s absolutely no chance of that backfiring on the American people at any point in the coming decades. No chance.”
Mathematician Amara Cramer provided her insight on the matter.
“Few people know this, but most of the mathematical breakthroughs of the last century have been directly tied to genius janitors solving equations on university chalkboards,” Cramer noted. “For example, the formalized approach to axiomatic sets and spectral sequence theory were both developed by janitors who came across open-ended formulas during their night shifts. I predict these contract cuts will have a devastating impact on society in the coming years, to say nothing of the poor janitors who rely on their work being discovered to get their lives back on track.”
At press time, Trump’s contract cuts were also affecting the Harvard Law attendance of sorority girls who were using their academic talents to overcome blonde stereotypes.