SCHENECTADY, N.Y. — Local 48-year-old Matt Hull lamented the fact that he was never able to match the joy he felt as a teen finding a stack of pornographic magazines in the woods, sources close to the inconsolable man reported.
“I can’t believe my life peaked at 13,” stated Hull. “When I stumbled upon that sticky stack of Boobs n’ Butts after taking a shortcut home from school on October 10, 1991, I thought my future would be constantly filled with magical boner-inducing moments like that, but boy was I wrong. The jubilation of that childhood discovery has eluded me my entire life, and now I realize that I’ve never had nor will I ever experience that kind of pure, unadulterated happiness again. I feel so alone. Finding PornHub on my laptop just isn’t the same.”
A long-time friend of Hull’s chimed in with his take on the situation.
“Matt’s full of shit, he’s not alone, the guy’s got a great wife and two cool kids,” said Dirk Thomas. “It’s very concerning that he continues to hold up on a pedestal that he found some smut in the forest once that he liked to jerk it to, instead of focusing on all the good things in his life like his family and friends. The fact that he still holds that one incident up so high in his mind tells me that it’s either a warning sign for bigger mental issues in his life, or he’s just a real sleazeball about finding dirt mags in the woods.”
Social Scientist Christopher LeRoy explained what was happening with Hull wasn’t unusual.
“Gen Xers often reminisce about fond memories from their childhoods and have trouble coping without them,” said LeRoy. “This demographic of people love reminiscing about all the things they had growing up, from finding smut unexpectedly in fields or abandoned homes, to having a soft spot for outdated technology like landlines and walkmans. It makes them feel relevant, instead of facing the reality of dying penniless because they decided to pursue the arts back in college instead of listening to their parents and becoming an electrician’s apprentice, like my stupid brother Jim.”
At press time, Hull was seen headed into the woods with a stack of x-rated publications in an effort to pay it forward to the next generation of young pervs.
