LAS VEGAS — Local bartender Aaron McIntire recently decided to adopt a 12-year-old Burmese python he saw advertised online despite being forcibly removed from three apartments in the past six months and no prior experience with reptile ownership, confirmed multiple sources who wish they weren’t so hospitable.
“I saw on Facebook that they needed someone to adopt Scayley Williams and I just felt this indescribable connection to her,” said McIntire while dangling a half-eaten chicken wing in front of his new pet. “I work pretty long hours but I figured I could just have her with me when I’m working the bar and it’ll just be, like, my thing, you know? My manager won’t even mind because she’ll bring in customers during shows. And then Jake can watch her when I have to run out or if I’m, like, super tired that day or something.”
Jake Singley, who shares a 1,000-square-foot apartment with his girlfriend and their pet beagle, Ted, opened his home to McIntire three weeks earlier when a breakup forced him to abandon the half-renovated Sprinter camper van he bought with his now-ex.
“He’s my friend and when things didn’t work out with his last girlfriend I wanted to help out, but this is insane,” said Singley. “He can’t even fill his prescriptions on time but he’s gonna feed a fucking 9-foot snake while sleeping on my couch? He keeps saying that this is the kind of adventure we both need and its fate because of the Ouroboros tattoo he got last summer or some shit, but that thing’s previous owners straight up said they had to get rid of it for ‘aggressive tendencies.’ We’re already breaking our lease by having the dog!”
After watching him arrive on the motorcycle that serves as his only mode of transportation, exotic pet store owner Amanda Tutz remained skeptical of McIntire’s ability to provide adequate living conditions for the snake—or, frankly, himself.
“Snakes need highly specialized care to live comfortably, they can’t sleep on a futon and they definitely shouldn’t be used as a belt as some sort of dumb stunt to get more tips from drunk dudes at bars,” explained Tutz. “She weighs over 50 pounds. We’re talking about getting a large enclosure, substrate, humidity control, solar lamps, live prey, and so much more. I just hope he isn’t living with any cats or even small children because this snake is ravenous.”
At press time, McIntire was seen sprinting across town in hopes of picking up a free pair of alligators he saw on Facebook Marketplace.