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Friend with Least Amount of Shit Together Now Reading Tarot Cards if You’re Interested

MARION, Iowa — Local woman Richelle Sumner has undertaken the responsibility of helping her friends learn more about themselves through her tarot card readings, despite “barely having a handle on her own shit,” several annoyed sources share.

“I’ve always been a spiritual person — good at reading energies, things like that,” confessed Sumner, who recently had her driver’s license suspended due to several traffic violations. “The great thing about reading tarot, though, is it just helps me use what I know to guide others through whatever difficult life decisions they might be confronting.”

While Sumner has devoted herself to helping people through her readings, those close to her seemed skeptical.

“In my reading, she drew the six of Pentacles… which I guess means I’ll be charitable with money? That’s what she kept driving home, anyway,” pondered Cady Williams, Sumner’s roommate. “I’m just worried because she’s so late on rent already, even though she came home with, like, $80 worth of crystals last weekend. I think this is her way of letting me know I have to cover her again this month. God, what a shitshow.”

For her part, Sumner clarified that her tarot reading has been immensely helpful in her own life.

“As with all readings, it helps to focus on specific questions,” she explained. “Questions like, ‘What new challenges await me today?’ or, ‘Will Connor forgive me for making out with his brother on our two-year anniversary?’ That way, I can really get a clear answer, with no guessing games involved.”

Indeed, Sumner’s optimism about her new skill remains — despite the fact that many in her circle “don’t totally understand or whatever” the spiritual boundaries her readings may transcend.

“Tarot cards? Wait, is that what she’s been up to?” asked Levi Berg, a local café manager and Sumner’s immediate supervisor. “She literally just texted me and said she’s been out of town at her aunt’s funeral. She’s supposed to be here right now. Unbelievable.”

Sumner was last seen setting up a Patreon site for her craft, leading sources close to her to wonder if she’s “fucking serious right now” — a reaction she fully anticipated following the three card spread she posted on Instagram earlier this morning.

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