NEW YORK — Conservative cable network Fox News revealed that host Laura Ingraham’s dreams now officially counted as real news stories, confirmed sources.
“Over are the days when our affiliates can present a story based on what is happening at that very moment,” began Fox News CEO Suzanne Scott. “Some say the best journalism occurs during REM sleep. Do you realize how fast a story can spread when it is based on subconscious thought patterns? If Ronan Farrow can present news based on investigative reporting then we sure as shit can monitor Laura’s brain activity at three in the morning for some juicy headlines. And forget fact checking — it used to matter when concrete evidence was actually required for authenticity. But facts don’t care about your feelings and neither do Laura’s dreams.”
Ingraham appeared to have a lot of content to build off of.
“I just knew my dream book would come in handy as a source for current events,” began Ingraham. “Look, I can’t help it if my dreams are so vivid that they are more newsworthy than anything the lame-stream media can conjure up! Last night, I had a dream where all of Adam Schiff’s teeth fell out in a gender-neutral bathroom while Gavin Newsome punched a baby in the face. Boom! News story. But, hey, watch tonight and see for yourself. That or you can switch over to NPR but I guarantee you, the only dream they’re trying to get you to buy is that the American dream is still achievable!”
Ex-commentator Bill O’Reilly of the now-defunct “O’Reilly Factor” beamed with delight knowing Fox was still on the bleeding edge of opinion news.
“Good for them!” exclaimed O’Reilly. “There’s not gonna be any dead-air time because her dreams are really detailed — like the one about when she and Tucker Carlson were married; they started gaining super powers as US citizens simultaneously lost their health care. That last part is actually real though. See? Sometimes her dreams are even a reality. I’m glad Fox is going back to this format. During my show, they said ‘gut feelings’ and ‘vibes’ counted as new stories.”
At press time, Fox News also revealed that they would start using AI slop images as “credible sources.”
