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Flask Narrowly Eludes Bouncer’s Half-Hearted Pat Down

BROOKLYN, N.Y. — A flask tucked into the waistband of local man Jason Lambert successfully found its way into a small venue last night after evading a half-assed pat down from a bouncer, relieved sources confirmed.

“The homies were freaking out like I wasn’t gonna make it in, but I’ve done this shit a zillion times,” said Lambert. “These bouncers are professionals and can see contraband coming from a mile away — you just gotta hide it real good, then play it cool. I’ll usually ask a bouncer where he got his boots, or what kind of elastic he uses to hold his ponytail to distract them a bit. Works every time.”

Before entering the venue, Lambert skillfully positioned himself last in line among his friends, and was seen casually looking around and occasionally yawning in an effort to “act normal.”

“You could definitely tell he was up to something,” said Bushwick resident Brittney Miller, an eyewitness at the scene. “He kept rubbing his nose and winking at everyone he made eye contact with. Everyone knows this place barely even cards — last week, a friend of mine snuck in a gallon of homemade limoncello under his shirt and just kept saying, ‘Boy, did I have a big lunch!’ Nobody thought anything of it.”

Bouncer-on-duty Craig D’Angelo performed a well-rehearsed and perfunctory two-second pat down of the young man, barely making contact with Lambert’s outerwear.

“Yeah, he got one past the goalie. Whatever,” said D’Angelo. “What did you expect, a cavity search? They don’t pay me enough to be grabbing balls 100 times a night.”

When reached for comment, the flask itself was ecstatic to survive the close call.

“I was convinced we were done for,” the flask said. “I’ve been running around with Jay for years, and honestly… the kid’s kind of an idiot. I mean, look at my dented-ass corners. I’ve gotten poured out and chucked in the trash enough to know comfort is a luxury I can’t afford.”

“But he really did me right this time, getting me in like that,” the flask added. “I’m proud of that crazy fucker — even if he is a total lightweight.”

At press time, Lambert and his flask were thrown out of the venue a mere five minutes after entering, when he was spotted filling it with another customer’s unattended drink.

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