MILWAUKEE — Local firefighters are struggling to reign in an out-of-control five-alarm warehouse blaze, partially due to equipment operator Eddie Daniels refusing to leave the truck until his favorite song ends, onlookers have reported.
“First of all, this warehouse is old and ugly so I don’t know why everyone is getting so upset. And secondly, this is Metallica’s ‘One’ we’re talking about and there’s no way I’m leaving the truck this early in the song,” said Daniels. “The crew can bang on the door all they want, I’m not putting on my oxygen tank until the ‘darkness imprisoning me’ part. Plus the flames are really making the lyrics land ten times harder. They know damn well this is my ritual, so find someone else to hook up the hose.”
Daniels’ crew captain was quickly running out of patience as the fire began to spread.
“In the name of all that is holy, this fire is going to engulf a whole city block unless we get it under control and this idiot is headbanging in the cab until he’s ‘in the zone’ or whatever. If his love of radio-friendly metal matched his passion for doing his goddamn job he’d be my boss by now,” said Cpt. Bill McCullough. “I should’ve known he was going to be on his bullshit when the music was louder than the sirens on route to the scene. By the time the song ends, half the neighborhood is going to be cinders.”
911 dispatches noted that many emergencies are exacerbated by distracted first responders.
“Metalheads and jam band lovers are the last responders that I want on scene mostly because they’re more concerned with getting pumped up to handle the situation than actually doing something. Half the time I’m switching back and forth between trying to calm down the caller and convincing cops on scene to wrap up their Pantera karaoke,” said dispatcher Katie White. “Just last week a school bus was teetering over the edge of the Sixth Street Bridge and those kids were barely saved in time because the whole fire rescue team were locked into King Gizzard’s ‘Nonagon Infinity’ on repeat. They don’t pay me enough to deal with this shit.”
As of press time, six people had died by the time Daniels finally exited the firetruck only to start using the hose to play air guitar until the song ended.