LEWISBURG, W.V. — The favorite shirt that you wore frequently the year you were 29-years-old magically transformed to a piece of clothing only large enough to be worn by an infant now that you are 32, confused sources confirmed.
“I found this old Millencolin shirt in the back of my closet that I nearly wore all the way out in my late 20s, but I tried it on this morning and it looks like it’s big enough to fit the smallest baby I’ve ever seen in my life,” you exclaimed, of the harrowing discovery you made upon waking up on your 32nd birthday. “It must be like, a birthday miracle or something… like the tooth fairy, or retirement.”
“Because there’s no way I let myself go that much, right?” you added. “I mean, I still get carded for beer. I can obviously still pass for 20… right?”
Friends of yours who assure you they “wouldn’t guess you were older than like, 25, maybe 27, tops” and have experienced a similar phenomenon offered a more practical hypothesis.
“The same thing happened to me, and the only thing I can think of is that the shirts are just like, super shitty quality or something,” said your friend and local 34-year-old who has made no lifestyle changes since she was 17, Karrie Tan. “I mean, nothing has changed on my end — I still drink three to five nights a week, and haven’t been getting any more sleep than usual, so it has to be the fabric or something. I bet it’s those shitty dryers at the laundromat. I’m gonna talk to them about that.”
Experts report that, while many people’s metabolisms slow down considerably with age, exactly no one is willing to accept it.
“No one wants to believe they’re getting older and that their bodies simply don’t respond to eating six pieces of string cheese at 11 p.m. every night the way it did in their 20s,” explained CAMC physician Dr. Shondra Stubblefield. “Thanks to an unwillingness to face reality, these people are left to rely on their nicest, albeit least helpful friends to tell them that they can totally still pull off glitter highlight.”
In an effort to prove to yourself that you haven’t changed that much now that you’re in your 30s, you continued to text the guy you’re exclusively seeing who “isn’t looking for anything serious.”