OAKLAND, Calif. — Fancy punk Gerald Harden is flaunting his wealth by hanging relatively expensive, unwashed, 400-thread count bed sheets in his bedroom windows as curtains, economically less-fortunate sources confirmed.
“Ever since my part-time gig at the liquor store gave me that sweet $0.35 cost-of-living raise, I’ve grown accustomed to the finer things in life,” said Harden. “When I needed curtains for my bedroom, I didn’t just staple any old, soiled Salvation Army bed sheets to the window trim — my refined taste requires delicate sheets, with less than a dozen cigarette burns, purchased from the only thrift store in town that doesn’t have bed bugs.”
Harden’s alleged gaudiness has rubbed many of his roommates the wrong way.
“That dude has changed, man. For instance, he still agrees it’s important to dumpster dive as a rejection of the monetary economy, but he flat out refuses to do it at WalMart, because Target’s garbage is ‘way nicer,’” said roommate Harper Higgins. “He’s also always lording it over us when he’s drinking something fancy like PBR, and we’ve only got Steel Reserve. It’s crazy that, for all the time I spent fighting gentrification in our neighborhood, I now have to fight it in my own house.”
Fellow roommate Hanley Marshman noted that relationships with “fancy lad” Harden have deteriorated to the potential point of no return.
“Gerry used to truly believe ‘all property is theft.’ But now that he’s come into some money, it’s, ‘All property is theft, but hands off my activated charcoal tooth powder.’ It’s really killing our whole communal vibe,” said Marshman. “We tried to call a house vote to decide if he should be allowed to stay, but the number of people living here at any given time fluctuates between six and 32, so it’s tough to properly tally the votes.”
At press time, the roommates were forcing Harden out after he “committed the ultimate insult” of labelling his quinoa so no one else eats it.