Press "Enter" to skip to content

Fabric of Small Town Society Torn Apart After Teenage Punk Exposes its Bullshit Hypocrisy

SPEARFISH, S.D. – A small town is mired in chaos after teenage punk Jill Mulgrove said that the town’s government, church, and businesses are in collusion to screw over poor people, reported sources from atop the smoldering mound of rubble that was once city hall.

“It all started after I refused to pledge allegiance to the flag in homeroom,” said Mulgrove as she warmed her hands over a barrel fire while wearing fingerless gloves. “I said the flag represented how much these institutions are in kahoots to systematically extract wealth and resources from vulnerable populations and that I wouldn’t support it. Well instead of flipping out, I saw something click in Mr. Antonio’s head. Like he had suddenly realized something. He just said class was canceled and quickly left the room. Soon other teachers were walking out while breaking windows and stuff. It was like instant anarchy. Shit ruled.”

Angelica Summers, Mulgrove’s best friend, is proud that her friend initiated such drastic social change, despite how hard the upheaval has affected the Summers family.

“It’s rare to be able to make real change in this world,” relayed Summers as she asked us if we had any canned goods to spare. “So for that I’m very proud. However it turns out that anarchy is scary. We’ve been practically homeless ever since dad burned his job down. When we tried to withdraw money from the bank the windows were all boarded up and had ‘DEAD INSIDE’ and ‘GREED KILLS’ painted on them. So that was weird. And just this morning I strangled a man with my bare hands for a loaf of bread. But hey, I’m happy to sacrifice some of my family’s privileges for the greater good.”

Spearfish mayor Reginald Thorme is trying his best to get a handle on the rapidly escalating situation.

“Ever since that street urchin opened her trap it’s been bedlam,” said Thorme from a luxurious bunker that also safely houses the town’s priests and business leaders. “Now I’m hearing the same thing is happening in Sturgis, Sioux Falls, and even as far as Minneapolis. I don’t know, this punk thing could get pretty bad if we don’t put a lid on it right now.”

At press time, Mulgrove was seen telling a man trying to read a newspaper that the media is nothing more than a PR wing for capitalism.