HOMER, Ala. — The emotional affair between English teacher Lara Palledorous and her co-worker Allessandro Reyes resulted in a sweaty, purely physical and entirely literal divorce from her husband of four years, which was finalized late this morning.
“All I did was tell [Reyes] I loved him, and that I wanted to leave my piece-of-shit husband and lay in a hammock with him forever… but I hadn’t technically left yet or anything, and I don’t even own a hammock, so it’s not like I really did anything,” explained Palledorous, flipping through Instagram pictures of Reyes wearing nothing but an expertly placed gourd. “I only had sex with other dudes when my husband and I were dating — after our wedding, I only did emotional stuff with random men, I swear. I’m not a monster.”
“Besides, do you really mean to tell me that saying I want to swallow someone’s dick while my husband is sleeping in the other room is just as bad as actually doing that? If that’s the case, you really don’t wanna see my private Twitter,” she added.
Palledorous’s emotionally cuckolded husband, Brian, believed that his wife talking about spending a single weekend in a secluded cabin, naked and hot-tubbing with various men she met on Tinder was grounds for a divorce, regardless of physical contact.
“She keeps telling me she’s just ‘innocently blowing off steam’ by sending innuendo-laden Facebook messages until 3 a.m. some nights, but I’ll admit I still feel sort of slighted,” said Brian, finishing fifth as Luigi in “Mario Kart 8 Deluxe” on an undocked Nintendo Switch. “I don’t think I can be with a woman who spends as much time talking to other men as I do ignoring her and playing video games in silence.”
Though most divorce proceedings tend to be brief and routine, the Palledorous’s hearing took longer than expected — which some believe was due in part to unresolved physical issues between the two.
“I don’t think this is typical, but as soon as the divorce was finalized, Lara jumped on Brian and started tearing his clothes off and licking his chest saying, ‘You’re not my husband’ over and over,” said Lara’s lawyer, Richard “Dodgy Dick” Marshall III. “Things were getting pretty hot and heavy before the bailiff pulled them apart: they were so greasy and slippery with sweat, it took, like, five minutes. I’m not going to lie, it was probably the hottest divorce ever.”
As of press time, Reyes received a message from Lara saying that she and her husband decided they should give it another shot, accompanied by a photo of her cleavage.