BUTLER, Penn. – Billionaire Elon Musk unveiled an offer of $1 million to anyone willing to sign his birthday card, sources close to the matter revealed.
“It would be totes amazeballs to get a birthday card this year. I think it’s been about 20 years since anyone I don’t have on my payroll wished me a happy birthday,” said Musk, the richest man on Earth, with tears shining in his little rat eyes. “That’s why I thought it would be supes fun to have a little lottery–sign a card for me and get a chance to win a drop in the ocean’s worth of my fortune. It’s not like a bribe, dude. I’m just spicing things up for all my friends out there, especially in swing states.”
Justice Department representative Rich McMahon quickly wished Musk a happy birthday to cash in on the giveaway.
“I know it’s not until June, so he really shouldn’t be fishing for signatures so early,” said McMahon, whose colleagues are planning to write a strongly written letter asking Musk to stop interfering in the election. “But I just feel so sad for him. All that money and he’d trade it in a heartbeat for someone to genuinely laugh at his jokes or to not puke straight after meeting him. He’s got that big dipshit energy. I wouldn’t invite him to any birthday parties of my own, but that doesn’t mean no one should go to his.”
Dr. Adelaide Fisher, a researcher at MIT who specializes in severe cases of Very Divorced Man Syndrome, called for sympathy towards Musk.
“Elon is one of the worst cases of VDMS I’ve ever seen,” said Dr. Fisher, who has previously treated Graham Linehan and Kanye West. “When we see cases of VDMS, the symptoms are always the same: acting out, trying to own people, weird intense transphobia, being too online, becoming creatively redundant, and begging for attention from any way possible. In Musk’s case, he’s using his incredible wealth in the hopes that someone will look at him and not think he’s a dickhead, which unfortunately they always do.”
Donald Trump, the man Musk has thrown his political weight and reputation behind, remarked “Who the fuck is Leon Mask?”