BOCA CHICA, Texas — Local businessman and investor Elon Musk presented his clear vision of the future where humanity thought of him as the worst person on multiple planets, confirmed sources who just assumed extraterrestrials despised him already.
“This is one of the main reasons I bought Twitter. I wanted to soft launch this vision digitally where I had a platform to test my dream,” said Musk before discovering that nearly three-quarters of his children blocked him on X and the rest didn’t even have an account. “Intergalactic notoriety has been a goal of mine since I was a little boy from the minute I stared directly into the sun for 35 consecutive seconds. First, SpaceX will establish a civilization on Mars where citizens will probably not understand my message of free speech, and that I only ban people on X because I just don’t like their vibe. Next, we’re coming for Saturn. I mean, not only is that ring badass as hell, but I’m sure it won’t cost that much to buy from NASA. After all, the universe is my oyster.”
Musk fans were thrilled to hear about his plan of cosmic infamy.
“As the proud owner of a Cybertruck picture that I took last week, I couldn’t be more excited for Elon’s planetary dominance,” said David Kelenic. “This man has literally done no wrong, if you don’t count the COVID misinformation, right-wing conspiracy theory amplification, antisemitism, and his atrocious appearance on Saturday Night Live. Can’t we just give the man a break? He’s just trying his best as a billionaire, who could easily solve world hunger but chooses to purchase dying social media platforms instead.”
According to experts, this type of behavior in powerful men isn’t exclusive to Musk.
“Businessmen with that amount of net worth are always 100% pieces of shit to begin with,” said pundit Grace Johannson. “But for some reason, Elon likes to have that be his thing and make it front and center for all that he does. Of course, others have attempted this feat as well. For instance, Jeff Bezos once tried interdimensional douchebaggery. Even Mark Zuckerburg wanted someone to figure out how to travel back in time so that he can be hated during the Renaissance too. Luckily, they’ve all failed. As of now.”
At press time, Musk expanded on this bright vision of the future by outlining his dream of becoming hated among the sea life in the depths of the Pacific Ocean.