CHARLESTON, W.Va. — An increasingly agitated yellow canary found inside a previously abandoned basement venue is really bumming out attendees at a recent crust punk show, sources drifting in and out of consciousness confirmed.
“Our band prides itself on playing anywhere and anytime. But this last venue was like Guantanamo shit. It was so dank and dark, aside from a few scattered whale oil lamps. The only way you even knew a crowd was there was the occasional sound of spasmodic coughing fits,” said lead singer of headlining band Bum Cuckets, Talia Flowers. “But what really fucked us up was the persistent sound of a chirping canary. We tried to incorporate it into the music, but sentinel birds can’t keep time for shit.”
Venue owner Oliver Cruz explained how he came upon his property’s unique “basement” venue.
“We didn’t even know the place had a basement until we found the old, underground rail tracks in the backyard. All we had to do was bust through a few skull and crossbones signs, then buy a keg, and boom, we’re the premiere punk venue in the county,” said Cruz. “As for the canary, that thing was just always here. I tried moving it once, but I received the memories of a 19th-century Welsh immigrant the moment I touched the wrought iron cage. But besides the occasional visions of 144 men and boys suffering from carbon monoxide poisoning, and the hardcore kid that severed his arm because he stuck it too far outside the cart, it’s been smooth sailing.”
Still, not all show attendees were happy with the performance, including slightly translucent apparition Enoch Baughan.
“The tunnel buttresses are prism-shaped, when they should be cylindrical. I pleaded with management, but they declared me a poser, whatever on earth that means. I wished to box his ears, but bit my tongue, as I need my wages if I wish to have my dear Agnes join me in the new country,” explained the incorporeal entity. “Still, the other miners here are most strange. Young moll buzzers in cow hide and covered in tattoos like common seafarers, despite their landlocked predicament. But, I mustn’t get too high for my nut. For I shall see you again, Agnes! Wait, what’s this? No, cave-in, ho!”
At press time, Cruz had responded to attendee complaints of poor ventilation and debilitating headaches by setting up a box fan behind the drum kit.