LAS VEGAS — After years of being blocked and sent to spam by women for being unsolicited, a dick pic has achieved its lifelong dream of being solicited, confirmed sources.
“Solicitation is the top of Mount Everest in the dick pic world. Most dick pics don’t make it, but after five years of trolling on every single free dating app, I was victorious,” said the dick pic, a low-res HEIC file enmeshed in a buzzing data center that blasts through 8 million gallons of water per day and houses roughly one trillion dick pics. “The woman who solicited me was a gorgeous blurred blonde on Tinder who said that I was her type: dark and mysterious. She also complimented the sleeping chinchilla on the chartreuse rug in my background. She wanted to meet up, but was stuck in Latvia while I’m probably in Nevada with no airplane. She solicited a bank statement pic and I informed her that warts are my only currency. I never heard from her again.”
The solicitous blonde, Paulina Walsh, shared her intentions—and her disappointment.
“I was getting tired of all the puggish selfies of lonely men looking for sex or, what’s worse, love. I’m only interested in a visa, so I just went straight for what I thought was basically the ATM of the male body, the weenie,” Walsh said in a Snapchat video, wearing a glossy puppyhead filter on her face. “But most dick pics can’t get through the spam filters, and the ones that do are broke, bowed bums.”
Raffie Juible, a Tinder spokesperson, declared the company’s pledge to fortify its dick pic blockers.
“Never again will a dick pic be allowed in, and anyone who solicits one will be banned and forced to upgrade to buy shares of our parent company, Match Group, Inc.,” Juible said while nursing an alpha-ginger-pow-whatta-boom smoothie at the Soho House in West Hollywood. “It’s a shame that the one time this happens in 12 years the dick is crooked and diseased and there’s a deceased rodent on the floor. This incident could have a silver lining if the pet was alive and the dick was a King Konger like mine.”
At press time, the dick pic was pert and cheerful as it announced its budding romance with an unsolicited but much appreciated woman’s feet pic.
