WASHINGTON — A panicked President Trump is debating whether releasing his infamous “pee tape” would help or hurt his chances in the upcoming election, confirmed dead-eyed White House sources who can’t believe they went to Yale for this shit.
“President Trump is very concerned about the poll numbers,” admitted campaign advisor Glenn Vitale. “However, he believes vowing to release the infamous pee tape if he doesn’t win may turn fearful voters to his side. Needless to say, his advisors are adamant that confirming the existence of the tape will destroy his chances. More importantly, we are all absolutely begging him to stop playing the tape over and over again on the campaign bus’s 65” flat screen. It’s just unnecessary.”
Although most analysts agree that acknowledging the footage would disturb and scare off voters, some argue it could be just the spark the Trump campaign needs.
“Release the pee tape now!” shouted FOX News host Sean Hannity. “Forget threatening to do it, just do it. Everyone thought he was going to lose in 2016, but right before the election a tape came out of him bragging about sexual assault…and he won! This is a classic GOP strategy, like fear mongering and voter suppression. For example, many pundits think George H.W. Bush never would’ve gotten elected if it wasn’t for that leaked video of him simultaneously weeping and jacking off in an Arby’s drive-thru. Republicans love that kind of thing!”
Pollsters have been weighing the effect the tape might have on undecided voters.
“Would I be more or less likely to vote for Trump if he blackmailed the country with a recording of him watching Russian prostitutes taking a leak?” wondered undecided voter Brad Diekerman, a 46-year-old scuba diving instructor from battleground state Pennsylvania. “That’s a tough one. On one hand, gross. On the other hand, we’ve all gone to a bachelor party in Atlantic City and paid for that sort of thing, right? To be honest, I’m not so good with decisions. I’ll probably do what our founding fathers would’ve wanted and just watch a bunch of TV on Election Day and see which candidate has the most commercials.”
Worrying Democrats, analysts predict releasing the tape may actually be what sways a horny, fucked-up Florida to vote for Trump.