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Desperate Opener Selling Kidneys At Merch Table

BOISE, Idaho — Up-and-coming band Settler’s Pit are desperately trying to sell their kidneys to pay for gas just one week into their first full US tour, sympathetic but grossed out sources report.

“We’re only days into this shit and we are already completely broke,” said frontman Steve Marble. “We’ve tried everything; shirts with relevant pop culture references, BOGO sales, our drummer even tried selling his nudes but of course no one wanted them. Obviously we’d like to keep our kidneys, but I just don’t see any other option. There are three weeks of tour left so if we can each sell one, we should maybe break even.”

Headlining band Product Cult are empathetic towards their openers, as they’ve been in the same position when they first started out.

“Yeah I feel bad for those guys, but this is how it is when you’re green to the industry,” said guitarist Bill Barkley. “I’ve still got the scar from having my kidney removed in the back of our van, and I’m pretty sure our bassist has the world record for most plasma donated in a one month span. Obviously we’ll keep doing the thing where we tell the crowd to go buy the opening band’s merch, but come on, no one actually does that. It’s just a way for us to look like we’re trying to help.”

Settler’s Pit even resorted to looking on the black market, going so far as to invite a potential buyer to a show.

“The band found me on the dark web and asked if I could give them a quote,” said a masked, hooded figure with a styrofoam cooler packed with ice who wished to remain anonymous. “I took a big risk coming here tonight and it was all for nothing. It only took one look at these guys to know that I don’t want their organs. They don’t look very healthy. Maybe I’d go for it when I was a fucking noob, but I’m in the big time now. Selling these B-grade kidneys would crush the reputation I’ve worked so hard to build.”

At press time, Settler’s Pit’s bass player had to be stopped from trying to remove his own lung with a butter knife at the merch table, having been driven mad by hunger.