POTTSTOWN, Pa. — Sarah and Luke Fleming opted to have a child to serve to exempt them from attending any more game nights, according to sources in the family group chat.
“Game night sounded fun at first, but soon it became a drag,” said Ms. Fleming as she rocked her newborn ironclad excuse. “Every week it’s the same thing: The first hour is small talk and discussing the food order. Then the host exhaustively explains the rules of some obscure European board game about peasants or some shit. Luke and I wind up being bored and confused all night. We’re polite to a fault, so we decided the easiest way to extricate ourselves from the situation was to get pregnant. Neither of us really wanted a baby, but it sounded less exhausting than another evening of Settlers of Catan.”
Game night host Bradley Stouffer went to great lengths to make his home baby-safe in hopes the Flemings could return.
“I put pads on all the furniture corners, got cabinet locks and a gate for the stairway,” explained Stouffer while attempting to shove another Kickstarter board game onto his overloaded shelves. “But Sarah and Luke always have something baby-related going on that keeps them from returning. I feel bad for them because I know how much they wish they could join us again. Last week they missed out on an epic five-hour session of Realms of Deceit, a game which explores the class strata of 13th century France. I won because my village produced the most barley which I used to curry favor with the provincial viceroy.”
Board game vlogger Hannah Deighton says babies are but one threat to gaming groups.
“Of course, babies are the number one killer of board gaming and roleplaying. But there are a number of other events and conditions that also portend doom,” said Deighton. “For example, a member getting a new boyfriend or girlfriend can mean they may miss sessions to spend time with them, or worse, they may try to bring the new partner into the group. Another disruptive element is if one or more members develop an interest in Magic: The Gathering. Once that game gets its talons into someone, they’ll never want to play anything else again.”
At press time, Stouffer suggested game night could be moved to the Fleming’s house, which prompted them to begin looking at Zillow listings in neighboring states.