BOILING SPRINGS, Penn. — Police corporal Stu Plansey geared up for another long, grueling day of sitting idle in his squad car at a local 7-Eleven parking lot, sources who felt their tax dollars could be better served elsewhere confirmed.
“I joined the force to protect and serve. And right now I’m gonna protect myself from hunger with the help of a full assortment of 89-cent hotdogs,” stated Plansey while parked diagonally in front of the complimentary air pump. “But I gotta stay vigilant. There’s plenty of no-good teenagers loitering around here, and I’m pretty sure that that cashier is from one of those ISIS countries. I better make sure my gun is already out and with the safety off. I saw a few homeless people a few blocks away so I’m starting to fear for my life here!”
Local teenager Charles “Upchuck” Stoote agreed that Plansey should fear for his life.
“That pig should be worried. Me and my boys are real tough, hardcore badasses that need 32-ounce Slurpees every now and then,” proclaimed Stoote right before checking his watch to make sure it wasn’t past his curfew. “Still though it’s pretty fucking weird that this cop spends his whole shift in that same spot. I know this isn’t a big town or anything but there’s gotta be at least a cat up a tree or a stolen Rascal scooter for him to look for. He’s already on his third Big Gulp of the evening right now.”
7-Eleven assistant manager and lone employee who wasn’t too hungover to go to work that day Alexander Wadjidali remains skeptical of the necessity of Plansey’s presence.
“At first I didn’t really mind so much that [Plansey] would sit out there. Although I must admit, sometimes I look out the window and I just catch him staring at me. He doesn’t even look away when I catch him—he just keeps staring,” said Wadjidali. “One time he was looking at me and I could swear he was just peeing in an empty cup just under his dashboard. I know we don’t have a public restroom here but c’mon, man—you’re an officer of the law! Take that shit to the alley like the rest of us!”
At press time, Plansey attempted to stand up so he could confiscate some skateboards only to realize that he no longer had any feeling in his feet.