ABILENE, Texas — Local school sports fan Steven Flick will no longer offer his support if there’s a chance he could accidentally ogle a trans girl, according to the vitriolic YouTube Short he recorded in his pickup truck.
“I faithfully attend every Abilene Armadillos game, home and away. I even go to their practices to root them on,” said Flick as he waved a giant foam finger from the empty bleachers. “I’m their biggest supporter. These girls are just amazing, running up and down the field on their tanned, muscular legs. But now there’s all this talk about trans girls competing in girls’ sports. That’s not cool. I’m out here to encourage the team and admire these young athletes at their peak physical condition. But if any of them turned out to not be biologically female, well that would be a total betrayal.”
Armadillos’ midfielder Alyssa Porter says she and her teammates are put off by Flick’s constant presence.
“At first, coach asked us to just ignore him because he donates so much money to the school during fundraisers,” said Porter. “But honestly, we don’t feel comfortable with him sitting there, staring at us with binoculars all the time. He definitely gives off a creepy vibe, especially when he wears a trenchcoat. Recently he posted on Facebook about how there should be locker room inspections to make sure we’re all AFAB. Coach said he’d crossed a line and promised to ban him from school grounds or beat the shit out of him. Or possibly both.”
Flick’s behavior is familiar to those who study abnormal psychology.
“What I believe we’re seeing played out is called ‘reaction formation,’” explained clinical psychologist Emma Chen. “It’s likely that Mr. Flick has conflicted feelings about trans women that make him extremely uncomfortable. Rather than admit to and confront these feelings, he makes a public spectacle about how abhorrent he finds the subject of his secret fascination. It’s a tale as old as time. We often see a similar dynamic in regard to homophobic pastors who are themselves gay, for example. I do acknowledge it’s unethical to publicly diagnose someone who isn’t even my patient, but on the other hand, fuck that guy.”
At press time, Flick was reportedly standing guard inside his local Olive Garden women’s restroom, purportedly in an effort to “protect women from creeps.”