NAPERVILLE, Ill. — Major companies are reportedly scrambling to come up with workplace perks that can rival masturbating freely in the comfort of their own homes, confirmed sources.
“We’ve tried everything: free lunches, kombucha on tap, daily puppy parades, even a goddamn Mindfulness Meditation session but nothing works. I absolutely know that if one of my coworkers’ Teams icons turns yellow they are probably cranking one out,” said regional director Dana Killinger of Callen-Moore Logistics, reviewing a spreadsheet titled “MasturOptions.” “We’re offering chair massages, casual dress, and a Low Stimulation Room with fidget toys and stories read by Morgan Freeman, well an AI version of his voice. But at the end of the day, nobody’s gonna swap home-office hand stuff for a $15 DoorDash credit.”
Employees, meanwhile, remain unmoved by artisanal granola and forced team-building.
“Look, I get that there are networking opportunities or whatever with people coming into the office but that isn’t enough. But I would rather have a spontaneous meeting with their magic wand than Brian from Project Management,” said data analyst Amy McGill over Zoom, readjusting her sundress. “No amount of team trust exercises makes up for the fact that, at home, I can just take a quick ‘meeting with myself’ between emails and no one bats an eye. It’s good for the company too; I am happier, more relaxed, and I can focus better. Nothing beats it, literally. I can take care of business better if I take care of business. End of story.”
Human resources experts say companies are finally confronting the unintended consequences of pandemic-era flexibility.
“COVID opened the floodgates to a radical reevaluation of break time. We no longer sit outside at a weathered picnic table inhaling secondhand smoke from the table a few feet away. Working from home gives us an opportunity to take a real escape from reality,” explained HR consultant Dr. Janine Parlow, author of “Boundaries, Breaks, Beans and Boners: Masturing Post-COVID Workforces.” “Once employees realized they could blast through an Excel pivot table and then immediately blast themselves without judgment, it became the new normal. There’s no HR-approved alternative that replicates post-orgasm euphoria.”
At press time, Callen-Moore executives were reportedly in early talks to convert their underutilized lactation rooms into multipurpose “Milking Suites.”