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Chucks Soaked

STURGIS, S.D. — A three-year-old pair of Converse Chuck Taylor’s shoes were “fucking totally soaked” earlier today, thanks to inclement weather conditions and their overall inability to withstand the slightest amount of moisture, a frustrated source confirms.

“Of course they’re wet again,” shoe-owner Mitsuko Barnes said of the canvas sneakers, completely drenched for the fourth time this week. “I put them on for literally 30 seconds to run to the mailbox, and I think the end of my shoelace grazed the edge of a puddle… and the rest of the shoes just absorbed all the wetness or something.”

“I should have known that wearing these things any less than 50 feet from the nearest desert would screw me like this,” she added.

While Barnes takes responsibility for the soppiness of her shoes today, she insists that the low-top All-Stars find themselves inexplicably waterlogged on an almost daily basis.

“I saw there was a chance of rain today, so I really should’ve left these things wrapped in two towels and stored in a Ziploc bag in the back of my closet or something. Like, so they can’t even see that there’s precipitation on the ground,” she said. “I know I could probably just retire them until summer, but honestly, they look really cool with these pants. And I can just slip them off, which is way easier than unlacing some crazy boots. It’s bittersweet.”

Barnes, struggling to stay one step ahead of her footwear, now avoids swiftly-moving people with open containers, stepping on dewy grass, and anyone who looks like they might sneeze in the direction of her shoes.

“The other day, I passed a kid waving one of those bubble wands around… and thank God I had a good-sized Tupperware to shield the shoes, or my whole work day would’ve been completely fucked,” she explained. “Honestly, it’d be easier to pinpoint when they aren’t totally drenched or somehow caked in mud, because it’s always the first 10 seconds they’re on my feet, and then literally no other time throughout the day.”

At press time, Barnes was complaining that the hoodie she uses as a winter jacket “pretty much does nothing” to resist the wind.