CHICAGO — The Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists shocked the world today with an announcement that their most chill scientist set the Doomsday Clock to 4:20, confirmed sources.
“Shit’s mad fucked right now,” explained stoner atomic scientist Dr. Olga Lyman as she rolled a blunt on her stomach like an otter. “Fact of the matter is between climate change, nuclear war, rising fascism, and me losing my keys, the world has never been worse off. Things probably won’t last much longer, so just kick back and roast a few bones. That’s what I’ve been doing. Hell I managed to flip some ‘bee with a few college students on the quad. That’s what life’s really about. When the world ends, I’m tryna go out zooted to the upper hemisphere. Ja feel [sic]?”
Although the Doomsday Clock’s time change was lauded by the general public of burnouts, not all of Lyman’s colleagues approved of the change.
“This isn’t something that you can just do unilaterally,” said chairman of the bulletin, Dr. Wesley Jung. “Every change of the clock is done with precise debate about the nature of the world and the state of danger we find ourselves in. Olga just snuck in after ripping a dab and moved it. What’s really frustrating is that we were on the verge of deciding to move the time to half past beer o’clock. We wanted people crushing mad brews while they contemplated dying in nuclear inferno, but instead they’re ripping doinks to it. I’d fire her if she wasn’t my plug.”
Despite the internal conflicts at the bulletin, many have heaped praise upon the time change.
“Let me tell you from personal experience, we are utterly fucked,” explained UN Secretary-General Antonio Guterres. “We’ve tried everything, and nothing is getting better. I think the Doomsday Clock has the exact right idea. Instead of trying to save the Maldives from going under water, we should just grind up a nug, roll up a fatty, and watch the world fall apart in between episodes of ‘Adventure Time.’ It’s over, just try to enjoy the ride. We will now take a vote on Resolution 2899 starting with Afghanistan.”
At press time, the Bulletin of Atomic Scientists was heavily considering changing the clock to digital so it would be easier for people to read.
