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Cannabis Dispensary Closes to Observe 4/20

DENVER — Local dispensary Cloudbuster Cannabis Club announced they will be closed all day today in observance of 4/20, red-eyed sources report.

“I believe 4/20 is one of the most important days of the year, and in that spirit, I’m giving all of my employees a 24-hour smoke break to listen to ‘Dopesmoker’ in their bedrooms,” manager Shane Westcott said while assembling celebratory goody bags for his staff. “I’m sure people will get heated about this but it’s their own fault for not taking care of their holiday shopping sooner. It’s not like anyone here would have been willing to work the afternoon shift anyway, let alone do so in a state where they can provide decent customer service.”

Unaware of the closure, longtime customer Brooklyn Moore was enraged to see the empty shop this morning while attempting to purchase cannabis products for today’s festivities.

“Just because I want the day off to celebrate doesn’t mean I support essential businesses doing the same,” Moore said outside the dispensary’s darkened storefront. “Now I’ll have to walk all the way across the street to another shop that doesn’t offer nearly as many strains. I just hope nobody else gets inspired to give their workers the day off next year. If King Soopers can stay open on Thanksgiving, I don’t want to see any more dispensaries closing their doors on 4/20.”

Drug policy expert Logan Decker criticized the closure as a hypocritical slap in the face to those unable to access marijuana or paid time off.

“We can talk about making 4/20 a government-recognized holiday when weed is legal nationwide,” Decker said after failing to get PTO at his university teaching position. “Hell, even if that happens, 4/20 should be a day where people get a little blazed at work. At least that’s what I tell myself when I light up in the men’s room during my lunch break because CU Boulder wouldn’t give me the day off. This is off the record, right?”

Not to be outdone, the Colorado State Penitentiary will also celebrate 4/20 by offering all inmates with marijuana charges a 20% discount on select commissary items.